What I see
by Legatorem
Summary: The main character looks at himself, for a moment, wondering how he became who he is


  
What I see   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any character of NGE, cast character or anything that is related to NGE. I don't get anything money...fame..etc. I just do this for fun  
  
Italic=actual talking   
non-Italic=thought or action  
  
  
I looked at myself in the mirror, I splashed water in my face, I saw the water dripping from my face, I look like hell... probably since all I seen and felt lately have been hell.  
  
My whole life have been an eternal hell, hell, hell...  
  
never stopping just going and going... I see all my friend and family hurt cause I was too cowardly.  
  
Shinji you baka, can't you do anything right....  
  
Shinji you baka  
  
Shinji you baka  
  
Shinji you baka ....  
  
If you won't pilot then I have no use for you....  
  
no use for you   
  
no use for you   
  
no use for you....   
  
You bastard, you're the one who hurt my sister   
  
who hurt my sister   
  
who hurt my sister  
  
who hurt  
  
who hurt   
  
who hurt   
  
I grabbed my head at the repeating voices in my mind  
  
Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it  
  
I scream inside my head  
  
Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it  
  
How did I became the ultimate wuss?  
  
Wussy, Wussy, Wussy, Wussy  
  
That what I am a big baka coward!  
  
I hate my life, I always hated my life.  
  
I damned, it must be that since all the bad things have been happening to me  
  
I must have a bad sign or a bad star or a bad face or something?  
  
All I do is become a coward and run away, just run away   
  
Just like now, I hide from everyone, I hurt everyone I meet   
  
I'm like my father in some ways, How ironic, I becoming the person I hate the most.  
  
I just stand there and just watch  
  
but why do I? Why couldn't I do something!?  
  
I know why because I'm a wuss, a coward, I don't deserved to live.  
  
Why can't I be a normal child? have loving parents.. going to school worrying about friends, movies, girls, anything that has to do with being normal.  
  
Mother why did you have to leave me? Why? Why?  
  
why could you stay with me? why did you leave me with my father...why!?!   
  
I wipe the tears from my face, I dislike be a coward, but I growth dependent on my shields.  
  
I know I have friends, but I only end up hurting them, I hurt over and over again, from times to times again.  
  
I always try to make them happy, I tried to protect them...   
  
but how can I protect someone if I'm such a coward... I can't protect.. I only hurt them   
  
that what I do   
  
hurt them   
  
hurt them   
  
I hate my life why couldn't it be someone else?!  
  
I despise my father, it's your fault mom!  
  
mom..   
  
I hate everyone, I'm just like my father..  
  
maybe we're much similar than we thought  
  
He has a shield and I have a shield   
  
but we do the same thing  
  
we make people hate us   
  
that what we Ikaris do make people hate us  
  
hahaha we make people hate us   
  
enough that they leave us alone  
  
that what we want to be left alone  
  
Am I my father's son? silly question it is?  
  
Of course   
  
Of course  
  
I make people hate me like my father  
  
just like my father  
  
Then I felted a gentle touch on my shoulder, and I realize that I was on the floor of the bathroom crying and talking to myself, I had my knees on my chest with my arm wrapped around them, I heard her trying to comfort me, but I couldn't hear I was in my personal hell. I could imagine that I say sorry I am not here at the moment, I am in my personal hell at the moment, if you please leave your name, phone number and message I'll return a reply as soon as possible thank you.  
  
I hurt Misato, I made her cry, I cause pain to her, I just always hurt her, I hurt her emotionally   
just like my father do people.  
  
I hurt Rei, I got her killed, she sacifiaced herself for me, more then once, one that cost her dearly, I'm an damn bastard  
  
I hurt Touji, I hurt his sister, then I crushed him, making him lose his arm and leg.  
  
I hurt Kaji, with my weakness, I cause pain to him without knowing it.  
  
I'll hurt anyone who I will care for or loved, I a big bastard..  
  
I was facing the opposite direction who touched me, I don't know who, but I don't deserve their sympathy from them, I don't deserve happiness, I was born when destruction was happening, THE SECOND IMPACT, that what I am destroyer of people I care about. I must have say it aloud, since I felt the person crying also, I felt her on my shoulder just crying, I felt the weight of her head and arms on me, I suppose, seen I didn't see her.  
  
I don't understand why they care for me? why this person is crying for me?  
  
Then I heard these words Shinji you baka... I turned my head and saw her crying for me  
  
Asuka ... she was crying for me, I saw her blue eyes filled with tears   
  
it's must be a dream that what it is   
  
a dream   
  
a dream  
  
in the morning I will wake up and everything be normal   
  
cause this is just a stupid dream  
  
Just a stupid dream....  
  
  
Author notes. Geez I wish I done this sooner, This is my first fic that I posted   
I actually nervous doing this, because the reader expect a lot of thing if you're doing   
a thing with character personally, and I tried to do the best I could, I probably know   
this is recycled garage and suck badly, but doing this from memory I haven't seen the series since I went to my cousin house past two years, so I think I did a decent job at it. 


End file.
